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An Old Friend Looks Me Up

Although I’ve got a MySpace page, I never check it. Honestly, I loathe MySpace. Every aspect of it grates on my web design nerves. But I was feeling somewhat masochistic recently, so I logged in.

Imagine my surprise when I saw that someone had been trying to contact me, months and months ago. Imagine my amazement when I realized who it was. Kathy was one of my fellow American exchange students from my year in Sweden. That was twenty-one years ago! I apologized for the lengthy delay and sent her my e-mail address.

Here’s what she wrote back:

Why did I look you up?


Well shoes, and really my husband, Ben’s impatience with them. I have about 40 pair. It’s amazing how difficult it is to get quality shoes in a small northern California college town, so I drive the 4 hours to San Francisco every few weeks. Ben is determined to put a stop to it, he even canceled my credit cards, and informed me he wouldn’t pay the bill if I acquired any more.

I know he means it too. He spoke very much like this after our last child, when he said absolutely no more! I don’t like children very much, but babies are very cute, so I had six. I’ll admit I’m not very interested in them after about age 5, and now that all of them are over that age, our house might be a bit chaotic (and some say the kids are not really well behaved), but really what is he so upset about. He’s never home anyway.

And as far as him never being home, it’s obviously because of one of his two business partners. His partners are both women. Okay, I’ll admit they are both savvy, and successful, and interested in what he has to say. Or at least they pretend, I don’t know how they could actually listen to him drone on and on in his techno-speak (computer geek, you know). But they sure make him believe it. He makes really good money, and they probably think to get their hands on it. They have no idea how stingy he is with that money. I say they can have him.

Anyway, I’ve decided I need a new man. I looked you up because you seemed to have a lot of potential as a kid. Yes, I’m pushing 40, and overweight, and I have a bit of an addiction to daytime television that might bother some people. Although, it’s really beyond me how anyone can resist the high drama when Maury tells us who they baby’s real daddy is. It makes me cry every time. Still, I’m just a simple woman at heart, the kind every man secretly dreams of. So if your interested, how much money do you make?

-Kathy S

Published inFriends


  1. Lee Lee

    Whoa! Lotta TMI there for not hearing from the woman in 21 years!

    I agree with you on the myspace thing. I rarely log on to it. A friend, similar to your situation found me though, and it was good to hear from him.

    I told him I would come see him as soon as I could, but like NOLA, it seems to be like a mythical unicorn.

  2. Michael Michael

    So what is your decision Bart? If Xy is OK with it, maybe you could have both. Kathy could have the kids and raise them unti they’re five, and Xy could take over afterwards. Kathy won’t like your computer geeky speech though.

  3. Oh. My. God.

    Cancel that MySpace account. Close it up tight.

    That letter is hilariously, sadly, infuriatingly desperate, in a way. I hope she finds what she’s looking for – in herself.

  4. Julesb_town Julesb_town

    mecca lecca high- mecca hiney ho
    mecca lecca high -mecca johny ho
    mecca lecca wecca lecca mecca lecca ho
    – that’s what Kathy S does to me…

  5. Wow….

    I’m hoping that it was just a joke. Very sad, really, if its legit. The note reads like a real call for help. Makes one wonder also why any of us might follow through with that every-once-in-awhile desire to get in touch with someone we used to know.

    What has Xy said about this note? You have shown it to her, right?


  6. Anthony Anthony

    My bet? An over the top intro to sucker someone in with a claim that it’s a joke but a lot of truth in it deep down.

    In an shot in the dark manner of looking at this my guess is… No kids but wants them. Husband is a computer geek who ignores her. Not watching daytime TV cause she works but secretly wishes she could every day because those problems are so outsized they make her problems seem small in comparison. The come-on is half serious, but it has absolutely nothing to do with money. It’s about seeing how Bart responds.

    The MySpace account is almost completely devoid of any information in which anyone could find me. It is simply for the purpose of looking up links people send me to their accounts. The design of it is hideous.

  7. Frank Schiavo Frank Schiavo

    That was very interesting [as in circus sideshow intersting].

    I just wish the folks in R&D would hurry up and invent mace for the internet, if you get my meaning.

  8. D B D B


    I want her–a forty-something, overweight woman with six wild kids and an obsession for shoes she can’t afford who is obviously batshit crazy. B, don’t get greedy now. You’ve got Xy, and I’ve already given you the whole urologist tip. I need someone for me.

    Seriously, if she leaves her husband, she’s about to enter into a new and signficant phase of life–abstinence.

  9. Frank Schiavo Frank Schiavo

    Kathy S.—I don’t know you, but are a twisted induvidual suitable for treatment. And you are my Hero. Please continue to use your obvious superpowers for good. Thank you. A Fan.

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