This Is Not an Announcement

Round about this time last year, I wrote about a certain development in our lives. Many people took that as an announcement of sorts, though I didn’t think of it that way. I soon learned that such announcements are generally not made until after the first trimester, because bad things can happen.

And a bad thing did happen. And it hurt.

So today I want to make it crystal clear that I’m not announcing anything to anybody. This is a journal of my life. This is a place where I record my innermost thoughts and reflections on my little world. If I can’t write about this stuff here, there’s really no point.

This is not an announcement. No congratulations are in order or expected; don’t even leave a comment. By no means breathe a word to my wife that you read anything about this here. Consider it a public secret.

The irony is that just over the last ten days or so, my infamous ambivalence took a turn toward the negative. Reproduction, bah. Not interested. I just want to retire early and move to Dominica, not necessarily in that order. This was merely the latest turn in a long series of reversals.

I had not shared this thought. I planned to share it when the time was right, when we had negative confirmation. But this morning brought positive confirmation instead. I’m still a bit shocked.

Now, a new thought is trying to establish itself in my mind, much as an embryo tries to attach to the wall. Such things don’t always take. I feel curiously disconnected, in a delicate mental balance. On the one hand, if this is really gonna happen, I want to get in a positive frame of mind. On the other hand, I don’t want to become too emotionally invested at this stage, because nothing is really certain. After all, as I now know, there’s still a significant chance that this could end badly.

Nothing is ever certain. That’s life, I guess.