Back to work today, and it was quite comfortable to be back in my office doing what I do. Cozy, almost. All the familiar faces and routines. And the long list of equipment I requisitioned something like three months ago still isn’t here! Yet another snag — haven’t figured out what it is yet.
As for Fountainebleau yesterday, it was a blissful experience. After six years living here, I finally immersed myself in the waters of Lake Ponchartrain. Locals who grew up and remember a dirty nasty lake might be skeptical, but it certainly seemed clean to me. There’s a nice beach there at the state park, just over the causeway, and the lake is so big you can’t see the other side. That makes it seem kind of like the ocean. If I wade out a long way, the water actually comes up to my waist. Well, it’s better than the ankle-deep water on the Mississippi Gulf Coast. And there’s a stand of old cypress trees that seems almost supernaturally beautiful. There are dead ones a few feet out into the lake itself, draped with living moss swaying in the breeze. Gigantic blue and green dragonflies flitting about.
And as I waded and Xy floated on her inflatable raft, we discussed the idea of maybe — just maybe — having a child someday. I asked Xy about her reservations, fears and misgivings. She mainly seems to be worried about a loss of independence and freedom; specifically there are three areas where her style might be cramped:
- Sleeping in.
- For legal reasons I can’t mention the second reason, so use your imagination.
- Financial worries.
I worry about all those things, too. Well, I don’t sleep quite as much as Xy. I worry about thousands of other things. But I’m profoundly ambivalent. I also cherish many hopes. But all this is trivial. Over the years, I’ve boiled my hopes and fears down to their sheer essence, down to two entirely contradictory and irrefutable arguments. I don’t think I’ve posted about that yet, but I will. Some day. Soon.
Discover more from b.rox
Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.
ah, so beautiful.
My cat is yelling at me for laughiing,
Oh, you guys are such amatures! Sleeping in! Oh, please! Scheduling–you no longer have one. You are on their schedule, like it or not. Worries, I do really dumb stuff all the time and I’m in my forties. Imagine an 18 month-old kid. Danger waiting to happen. Trips to the ER. Missing work because they are sick. Debates such as Santa, etc. I could go on and on!
having babies isn’t for everybody but I always knew that I wanted kids someday. I wouldn’t want to try to convince another person of what to do, but
1. New parents don’t sleep in. Things do eventually even out but it is rough going the first year.
2. Keeping a legal atmosphere is very important, however my parents didn’t. I do.
3. Parents go out much less and for shorter periods of time. This will make up for the cost of formula, diapers, day care and such.
These points do not adequately answer the utter and total loss of self, which is the biggest challenge second only perhaps to actually birthing. For some it is even more painful. I’ve found I like my new self more because having a family had been an unfulfilled goal for a long time.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I hardly sleep at all as it is. Actually, despite what I said, none of these things really worry me. They are Xy’s worries. I can worry about anything if I put my mind to it, but the real source of my anxieties is elsewhere.
Julie and I are both sleepers. Always have been, always will be.
Dane (our son – now almost 6 monthes) doesn’t take naps but he sleeps off and on from 10 pm to 10 am. Maybe we got lucky but he seemed to fall into our pattern pretty quickly.
As for independence and freedom? Everyone said we’d be losing that when we got married but it really hasn’t changed – or I haven’t missed it. Same with the kid – not much has changed but I was a homebody before so it’s hard to gauge.
What I like:
1) Laughs – man the laughs/smiles are so worth it.
2) The drama – the stretches that are sooo exaggerated, the cries that sounds like the earth is facing impending doom, every movement and emotion reminds me of Captain Kirk.
3) new stuff – the infatuation with the kitty, the first time he finds his toes, etc… – makes the rest of your life feel fresher in sharing the discovery.
4) Just the insanity of it. It’s chaos, it’s anxiety, it’s foundless fear. I’ve always been a bit addicted to chaos.
I was definitely on the fence – if you’d aked me 5 years ago – I’d said never. But it’s been different then I expected, not perfect but pretty awesome.
The world’s a better place because my kids are in it. You and Xy are fabulous, caring people and I’m sure that any kids you decide to add to this crazy place will only improve it more. The worries are real and they don’t go away, but what is life without risk? If you choose to have kids you will repeatedly ask yourself “What the hell was I thinking?!” and if you choose not to then you will wonder what the experience would have added to your life. Whatever decision you make will be the right one.