I'm sitting here in my bed, writing. The night is not silent. The two clocks at the foot of my bed make noise. Dad's rock-tumblers in the next room make noise. Cars pass occasionally.
Too bad nothing really exciting happened today. Not that anything really adventurous ever does happen.
I don't complain much. I don't mope around and dwell on the bad things in my life. Nor do I rejoice the good ones. I sort of sit here, like a rock, and take life as it comes.
Maybe it's true. Maybe I'm not emotional enough. Jake S_____ said that. Vic said that. Annegret said it just a few days ago.
Is this what you're supposed to write in a journal? I mean, if I read this 20 years from now, will I wish I had written differently? About different things? In a different style?
I don't know. Maybe if I thought about it enough I could figure it out. I think this journal's pretty important, so maybe it'd be worth it.
But not tonite. I'm too tired. I'm tired of school. Especially Trig! And even English Lit -- not the subject matter, just the tests.
But then, I don't want to wish my youth away. I don't want to work for a living yet. In the olden days I'd be used to working quite a bit by now, at age 16. Or if I lived on a farm. But I don't, and basically I'm spoiled, compared to some.
Writing all this out helps a little, but what I really want is someone to share them with. Victor is my best friend. Yes, I will tell him, and I have told him. We share almost everything. But what I need is someone that I can hold -- who will hold me. Someone who loves me. Someone whom I love. Someone who will sleep with me. Someone female, of course.
But there is no such person in my life. There will be someday, I'm sure.
I hope so. I don't want to be lonely all my life.
It scare me! If this is the pressure and the fear and the weariness I face at age 16, still a child, then what will life be like at 20? 30?
I know I don't want to be lonely.
But I am lonely, tonight.
No, that's a bad attitude to take. I should take a positive one: I will be strong within myself. I will be my own best friend.
(Deep breath.)
I don't think that helped. Ah, well.
It's past midnight now. I've been writing for half an hour.
I'm tired.
It's time to sleep.