May 3, 1991: listening to sammy davis jr.

PARANOIA

--I'm beginning to feel distinct personality fragmentation, [like in sweden?] which is kind of scary. I feel as if I'm becoming two distinct people. I'm afraid to even admit it, afraid to write it down. Yet I feel this fear is not *my* fear, not I who write, but the fear of my *other* normally silent self. Always silent. Still silent. Yet-silent?

*

Just put tomato slices of today's dish-in-progress, Savory Vegetable Cheesecake. What an adventure. I feel sometimes that I have to fight for my existence -- on a very strange plane; I have a hard time respecting writing as a way to spend one's life. People are no better than baboons -- do they have artists? The artist is like a parasite in the modern world -- a marginal existence granted by the great dumb mass of idiots. So dazzled by the wonder of existence that they can't do anything but sing and dance. And the worst of it is that the Normals will look at the worst of all the art and go ga-ga over it, while the tuly ingenious writers and painters go comparatively unrecognized. Certainly this has not always been so ...

[deleted: very suspect meditation on Shakespeare]

• Why does an understanding of the causes of something -- the penetration of its mystery -- seem to lay it open to contempt? Does everyone feel this way?

• The split-personality effect has gone away.

• What I want most, I think, is to be worshipped and loved as the god I am. Not as the Christian God, certainly.

• Strong Minds in Weak Bodies -- again. Brain vampires. Contemplative, introspective, listless, abnormal, deformed, fetal, evil, malignant, cancer, invisible, floating, immaterial, faintly pulsing.

*ah* Bud Dry. Language as a conscious entity?

[deleted: raving about Walt kelly]